6 Months: Oh My!

I cannot believe that just 6 months ago my beautiful daughter entered our lives and permanently changed who we were.  I thought it would be appropriate to start my blog with a brief re-cap of the past 6 months (that have gone way too quickly) and the highlights of being a new mom. 

Birth Story

I woke up on my due date around 7 a.m. feeling a little funny and thought "this could be it!".  Doug and I were off to breakfast and errand running.  I spent the afternoon with my mom (who happened to be in town "just in case") passing the time.  By lunch time I definitely knew I was feeling contractions.  We started keeping track of them off and on, but I found this to be frustrating as they were all over the place.  They'd be short, then long, come every two minutes, then every fifteen.  Finally by 10ish that evening the contractions were pretty regular and getting more uncomfortable.  We called the hospital around 11 p.m. and the midwife thought we should stay home as long as possible.  By 12:30 a.m. my water broke while I was lying on my bed.  I immediately started crying – like a hysterical crying – and Doug called the hospital to say we were on our way.  We got to the hospital and I was admitted around 1:15 a.m.  I was almost 100% effaced and about 4 cm dilated.  We were on our way.  I had every intention of going au naturel, I was very adamant about this my whole pregnancy (really, ask Doug!).  I was very zen for the first 9 hours at the hospital.  Changing positions, breathing deeply and staying calm; that all changed after the 10^th hour of active labor when I had officially not slept in over 27 hours.  The only comfortable position was standing up leaning over and my legs were so weak I felt like I was going to collapse.  At that point I decided I was too exhausted and shaky to continue with the original plan.  So I got an epidural.  This was a decision that I am very thankful for, as it took 2 hours of pushing before Audrey was finally born.  Once the epidural took effect (which felt immediate) I was a completely different person.  I talked my nurse’s ear off as Doug passed out in the chair next to me (he hadn’t slept in just as long!).  I was sad when her shift ended and I was still laboring.  But, my next nurse was amazing as well – so I lucked out twice.  After being in labor for a total of 35 hours (okay, active labor - post water breaking and Audrey being born - was more like 18 hours, but still) I was able to pull Audrey out (yes, you read that right!) and place her on my chest.  As soon as I heard that first cry, I cried and cried and cried.  It was an emotional moment.  Doug told me later that I looked over at him in that instant and said, “I love her, she’s perfect!”  And she is! :)  Needless to say, this momma was tired!   I don’t think I slept for the next couple of days.  I was in awe.  I was in love.  I was running on adrenaline.

Home
The first few weeks went by fast, but they were hard.  The first couple of nights home I think Audrey was up all night long, mostly crying and agitated.  Although I had heard this was "normal" something still felt wrong.  After several doctor appointments within those initial weeks we realized she was not gaining weight (after losing about 10% of her birth weight) because she was not getting enough to eat.  Between her doctors and a lactation consultant I reluctantly accepted that I was unable to fully sustain my baby.  Something went wrong.  I felt despair, shame, guilt, anger, sadness, denial and finally, finally acceptance.  From just a few weeks old we had to supplement Audrey’s feedings with formula.  Eventually after 10 weeks she went to formula full time.  It was a very difficult decision and at the time heartbreaking for me.  The worst part about the whole experience was the people that were trying to be "helpful" with suggestions; as if I hadn’t tried everything I could to make nursing work.  I know it came from a place of love, but it hurt.  It was not the start I had imagined for my daughter, not what I wanted for her.  Not to mention the benefits for me (hello weight loss!).  But she is healthy and growing and beautiful so how can I be sad about that? 

I was able to quit my job at the bank to stay home with Audrey.  What a blessing!  Of course there are many sacrifices that had to be made in order for it to work (and still to be made), but it far outweighs having to drop her off in someone else's care while I go to a job that I can barely stand.  Win-win for all of us!  We have been settling into a routine quite nicely and making friends.  We participated in a mom and baby class at the hospital I gave birth at and have been able to stay in touch with some of the other mommas.  We spent the first few months indoors due to the time of year Audrey was born, but we are getting out more these days (and loving it!).  We have already explored some of the amazing lakes MN has to offer and taken a couple of small road trips down to Nana and Bubba's (my parents).  I am looking forward to swimming, the zoo, and checking out the local playgrounds too.  Woo-hoo for Summer!

Doug has been a wonderful support and an amazing dad.  He took to it naturally and wholeheartedly.  I love watching him with Audrey.  A little girl and her daddy are just so precious together.  And Audrey adores Doug.  She lights up when she sees him and gives him the biggest giggles when they are playing.  I am so excited to see their relationship grow over the years.

Some of my favorite moments and milestones so far with Audrey: kangarooing; middle-of-the-night feedings/cuddling; rocking her to sleep; singing lullabies; her smell; her baby breath; her complete surrender in my arms; sleeping through the night consistently at 6 weeks; the first smile; that first giggle; her recognizing my voice; rolling over; realizing she had (two!) hands; sucking on her toes; playing peek-a-boo in her crib; giving me kisses; her happy shriek; reaching out to me; crying when she sees me enter a room; being so frustrated with trying to get her to sleep, I laid her on the bed and started bouncing and she started giggling!  That stinker!  I can honestly say I have loved every stage of Audrey's life (thus far) but I was pretty excited when she was able to start entertaining herself a bit more so I could get more accomplished in a day (like take a shower!).

To end this post I want to say Happy 6 months, Audrey!  You are mommy's dream come true and every day I thank God for you!