Is it too late to change my mind about being a mom? This is the thought I have been wrestling with lately. I guess in an effort to remain authentic I have to admit it out loud {does it count if I only share it on my blog?}. I have been struggling. I need encouragement. A break. Some sort of release.
If I were to be completely honest with myself, I haven't been spending adequate time alone in my Father's presence. I know this is a direct reflection of my inner demons and outward struggles. Also, I am far too self-critical. In fact, that very thing was just recently written into my quarterly review at work under "area(s) for improvement". And I could not even tell you the number of times my sister has told me to stop being so hard on myself recently. *sigh*
I am looking for some sort of daily devotion-type for mothers...especially for mothers of young children. I am hopeful that if I have something to help with a daily routine {i.e. structure} that I will be able to follow it more easily. And truthfully, I am tired of feeling like an emotional mess. I need an outlet.
::Confession:: Sometimes I lose my cool and I scream at my daughter. Sometimes she cries. I always feel like a huge butt afterward and I always apologize and tell her how much I love her. No matter her erratic behavior or her seemingly inability to follow simple directions {i.e. listen} she doesn't deserve that. But even scarier, you know what this behavior reminds me of? The alcoholic that drinks too much, has a fit of rage and then later, when sober, apologizes and promises it won't happen again. Am I am sober drunk? An emotional drunk? Am I going to pass this on to my kids?
I want so badly to paint the perfect picture of my life. My "perfect"? A happy wife/mom, happy/well-adjusted kids and a satisfied husband. Add in 2 dogs, a nice size house with an attached garage and fenced-in yard and hey, maybe a minivan. But I know that life isn't perfect.
I am thankful for family. And my in-laws that love taking their granddaughter pretty much whenever I need them to, like they did yesterday after having her pretty much all day on Thursday. Some days are just plain hard.
1 comment:
Oh, Missy! I have done the screaming thing toooooooo many times to count. Motherhood is HARD WORK and anyone who says differently is just wrong. This is part of why I work outside the home -- it's too hard to stay home with children! SERIOUSLY. I could not do it and I admire those who do.
You are a good mother and a good woman - you'll get through this. It cannot be easy to handle a toddler and be in your third trimester with number 2!
Please let me know if you need anything, okay?
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