I am sensitive about my weight. Self-conscious about my body. I always have been; but, hopefully will not always be. I have hope that I can change. That I am changing. For me it started at a very young age. I was always teased for being on the heavier side. I suppose that's why I built up the armor of being bossy and funny. I like to think I am funny. I guess I am still bossy too (Doug can attest to this). Or maybe that's just who I was going to be no matter my size. Sometimes I like to make up excuses as to why I am the way I am when it's something I don't like about myself (i.e. I am bossy because I was teased for being fat). Hmmm...maybe not.
Most of my childhood consisted of me hiding out because whenever I showed my face in public I seemed to draw attention to myself. And not the good kind. I think this is when my love of reading and movies really took off. I could get lost in another world (albeit fantasy) but it gave me an outlet to "be me" without ridicule. It also didn't help that I have zero athletic ability (ok, not zero, but close to it!).
I had some really awful things said to me, things I wish I could forget but they are forever burned into my memory. As an adult I am still haunted by these memories. It's like a tape that plays in my head. Over and over and over. I hear from other people, "I was teased too and I got over it" (which, by the way, is so not helpful) and I wonder where the line is. Why do some people "move on" and others (like me) feel the sting of the words to this day?
I want to protect Audrey from what I had to go through, but I know to a certain extent there will be nothing I can do. I hate that our culture and society puts women up on this pedestal of perfection and if you fail to meet all of the requirements you are made to feel bad about yourself. I am also sad/irritated that I am weak enough to succumb to these lies. I want to raise my daughter to be strong, confident, and balanced. I want her to know she is beautiful no matter what anyone says because she was made to be exactly who she is. I believe that for her, so why do I struggle with that truth for me?
I think about the little girl that I was and my heart aches. I wish I could wrap my younger self up in my arms and tell me that I am worthy, lovely, and smart. And that one day (even though I won't believe it) I will meet the man of my dreams who will love me just the way that I am. Scarred and all.
2 comments:
Oh, Missy, I had no idea of your struggles! Obviously, I have not known you for that long, but you are funny and loving and kind. I would have no idea about any of this.
I think that some of the retreating that you did as a child may have been due to personality. Some kids who were teased just move on and it's no big deal; others are more sensitive souls (I would fall into this latter camp, myself) and it's easier to retreat into a world of books and dreams than it is to face reality. I don't know why some people move on and others do not - we just are all the way we are, for better or worse.
You may not be able to wrap up your younger self in your arms and tell her she will be okay, but you can wrap your beautiful daughter up and tell her the things you wish you could tell your past self. I worry a lot, too, about raising daughters in such a world where looks are valued so much - especially since both of my daughters will probably grow up to be freakishly tall like me, which is HARD! But, all I can do is tell them that I love them and they're beautiful and wonderful and smart, and hope for the best.
As for believing all that for yourself? Well, I think that someday you will be able to. It may take time, but you'll get there. :)
Thank you, Erin! Your kind words mean a lot to me. Looking forward to seeing you and the girls tomorrow. :)
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