Regrets

I am the kind of person who doesn't believe in regrets.  I think life is too short.  Instead, I try to view mistakes or things I wish I had done differently as lessons to learn from.  I am not always good at it, but it certainly helps when living my everyday life to think in terms of "lessons learned" than in "regrets".

I am also the kind of person that spent much of my life (and still sometimes I am guilty of it) wishing for the next phase.  In elementary school I was teased a lot, so I could not wait to be older.  In middle school (which I wasn't particularly fond of) I just wished for high school.  How much better my life would be when I could be a high schooler.  Then in high school (which was also a pretty miserable time for me) I kept thinking, all will be well when I am away - in another state nonetheless - at college.  Then (you probably guessed it) when I was ten hours away from home at a very expensive private college I was homesick, lonely, and depressed.  I actually experienced my worst bout with depression sophomore and junior year.  But, I stuck it out (the fear of not finishing school, medication, and therapy sustained me) and graduated with a degree I never [really] used.  Unless you count working as a receptionist for a year and then falling into a corporate job I never really understood the importance of.

And now?  I am learning to trust.  Learning to say "no" or "not right now" and being okay with it.  Putting the needs of my daughter above my own.  I do anxiously await the time when life is a little bit easier on one income (as it is our hope that I will be able to stay home until Audrey - and any other children we may be blessed with - are older).  When we don't stress out when some big unexpected expense comes up because we have savings to cover things like that.  When we live in a house big enough to raise our family.  When we actually have equity instead of owing more than our home is worth.  Being able to afford little (or big) frivolities now and then.  Going on a real vacation.  Confession: I am tired of thinking about money.

I can admit that sometimes I don't learn the lesson the first, second, or third time around.  I often wonder if God tests me in these types of circumstances to see if I'll finally learn to be content in the moment I am in.  Or accept that we truly can rely on Him for everything we need (he hasn't failed us yet!).  I think, rather, hope that I am finally learning these lessons during this new season of my life.  Part of that is attributed to my sweet Audrey.  How could I wish for anything more?  I want to bottle up time and make it last forever, these precious moments I get to share with her and Doug.  To quote a cliche, "a baby truly changes everything" and I am really thankful for the fresh perspective that I have been given.