This morning I awoke with a heaviness resting on my shoulders. My head pounded, my body ached, I physically couldn't take a deep breath without this pressing weight pushing down on me. Normally when I feel this way it sends me into a complete tailspin and I am out of commission for, well, let's just say a while. It used to be I couldn't put my finger on the why I felt this way. I would dwell and analyze and mope and feel defeated. For days. Maybe even weeks. Then finally the clouds would slowly part and I would start to feel like "myself" again. Depression. Such an ugly word with so much stigma attached. If I were to look for the silver lining in why I have been afflicted with such a commonly misunderstood illness, it would be that I am a more empathetic and compassionate person because of it. But, I digress.
Since the start of the new year, I have been trying to be more intentional about spending quiet time with God several times a week. Having going from not at all, I would say I am {slowly} improving. What exactly am I doing? Reading {Christian} thought-provoking books, studying scripture, praying, journaling, resting in His presence (though I am not very good at the whole "resting" component; I am too used to always moving, but I am learning, albeit at what seems like a snail's pace). And the most recent step: finding a mentor. This I am excited about, I need this. But, again, I digress.
Since becoming more intentional about my devotional life, I have noticed two things that I believe are directly related. First, when I am spending time with the Lord I am more at peace, happier, better equipped to shrug off those pesky {negative} thoughts, and see things in more of a "glass half full" kind of way. And on the flip-side, when I am not spending {the much needed time} in His presence, I am irritable, depressed, restless, and well, blah. Second, I make better decisions when I am centered in Him than when I am centered in me. Then my bad decisions turn into self-bashing, more negative thoughts, selfishness, retreating into myself, hiding within my dark thoughts, which leads to more bad decisions. See where I am going with this? And back to today...
I have heard about people who felt the way I did this morning and they open up their Bible and meditate on God's promises. And through that act of surrender {recognizing they cannot do it on their own} they walk away uplifted, renewed, refreshed. Today I decided to finally try it and you know what? It worked. Seriously. It's these times that my faith is renewed and I realize I don't have to "do it alone" as they say.
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
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